Un-Fuckin’-Believable by Conservative Columnist Billy-Ray McNaughton

Baby Jesus’s Birthday Party is a big deal in the Christian Community I come from, Goddamn-it. The Whole extended McNaughton Clan meets up at Mae-Mae’s in Purvis, Mississippi and we give us some praise and glory to the True God of Murka!!! That’s the way we roll ’round here.

This Christmas was just the same, Glory to God! And after dinner, as is tradition, us men we go out back and crack-alack open some Budweisers and wax philosophical and political about the current state of affairs and such. It’s a man-thing, you may not understand.

Anyway, The McNaughton Men were all in agreement– The Dark Days for our country were almost over, soon Obummer would be gone. We all agreed that he was obviously gay, and Muslim and that Michelle Obummer was really a man. Clear and obvious as the nose on your face.

And then things turned ugly. Got this cousin, Aunt Lucky’s third son, Dwight. He always been, you know, a “weird” little freak. He got out a here as soon as he could. Went to some snooty-ass school in Cali-Goddamn-fornia, of all places. He hardly ever shows up back down here. Once every year or two, maybe, and he usually has the good sense to keep his mouth shut. Hell, I forgot he was even still alive to be honest.

I don’t know what his problem was, probably ’cause he was seven or eight Budweisers deep, but for whatever reason he decides to pipe up, all the sudden like. He just pipes up and says: “You all say you’re Christians.” You could a heard a pin drop. Uncle Win dropped his beer. Like half full. It hit the ground hissing out beer and no one said a word or moved.

Then ole Dwight just goes on: “You all say you’re Christians. You remember when they had that big deal in Alabama where the judge had a stone monument with the 10 Commandments on it put out front of the court and it turned into a real shit storm? You all were up in arms about the Supreme Court ordering them to get rid of it.”

Great Uncle Clyde was the oldest so he answered that nancy-boy Dwight, “What about it?”

Dwight just kept on, like the fool he is, “The Ninth Commandment says ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness’. None of you know Obama is gay or a Muslim or that his wife is a man. You’re bearing false witness. Hell, Jesus said it’s not what you put into your mouth that makes you unclean, it’s what comes out of your mouth. But even if Obama was gay or a Muslim or his wife was a man, that wouldn’t necessarily make him a bad man, with an evil heart, like someone who bears false witness.”

Oh, he was right off. I heard somebody crush a beer can. I was standing next to Uncle Ottis at the time. He’s a veteran of several wars and a seven year stint in the state prison at Parchman. He moved at Dwight, but it was Christmas day and I didn’t want to see Uncle Ottis have to go back to jail on that sacred occasion so I put my hand on his chest. He stopped but he kind a spit out at Dwight: “The fuck you say?”

Dwight was like he had no idea how bad things were. He drinks some beer and goes on: “True. Where in your bible does it say that being gay is a sin?”

You could hear beer cans being crushed and thrown and they started grunting and growling. Clueless Dwight just kept going: “Well, Leviticus, right? Leviticus says that gays should be killed, right?”

All the McNaughton men started grunting approval and jumping up and down in agreement.

Dwight plowed right on, “But no one follows Leviticus. Hell, you just had crawfish with dinner, that’s a violation of the law. Cutting your beards– violation. Oh, and the death sentence for every adulterer. You get divorced and remarry you’re guilty of adultery and are under a death sentence. Most of the adults in this house are adulterers.”

They were jumping up and down and howling.

Then Dwight said: “Wait! Wait! Paul. Paul also said in his letters that being gay is bad.”

They went back to grunting approval. By then I figured Dwight was suicidal.

He continues, “Buuuuuut, Paul also said that women have to submit to men and can’t be in authority over men. I know you may like the idea, but that ain’t how it works, and besides Jesus said that in heaven men and women will be the same. Well, hell, Paul also said slavery was A-Okay with him.”

Dwight had pushed it too far. He lost them with Paul. The McNaughtons were onboard with the teachings of Paul. I could tell Dwight saw this so he said: “You’re a generation of vipers and hypocrites, just like Jesus said to the Pharisees.”

I couldn’t believe that. That’s when I finally said something. “The fuck you say? Pharisees? Like Jews? You just call us a bunch a Jew-Boys?” and with that I removed my Goddamn hand from Uncle Ottis’ chest.

They went chimp-wild on his ass. I ain’t seen a blood relative get that stomped since Davy-John tried to get the union in at the Pascagoula Shipyard, God rest his soul. The whole situation got way out control. The cops showed up. Thank the Lord Jesus both deputies were McNaughton men, one by blood and one by marriage, so no one got arrested. I mean, ‘cept Dwight. A clean cut case of Disorderly Conduct as I ever seen.

They threw him in jail and on the third day tossed him on a bus for Cali-Goddamn-fornia.

So, see, we had a Christmas Miracle. President-Elect Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet and already we’re cleansing the Christian Lands of heathens and false prophets. Halle-Goddamn-lujah!

 




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